Episode 99: Here || Solve the World

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I am so grateful to be a part of the society, I don’t think I could cope with having the last two episodes appear at the same time and having to wait an extra week for an episode at all. But luckily, I am a blogger and have been in the society for a long time, and here I am with episode 99.

This music of the beginning of the episode is haunting. Dante is a great storyteller. He’s good at uses his tone of voice to create tension or feeling within the episodes. There are a lot of Garden of Eden imagery going on here, fruits and a serpent, even if the fruits aren’t things Jenn understands or knows. They are fixing her or not.

Whoa, the serpent is now a dragon and supposedly leviathan. Jenn has no initial fear and there’s something about the music, the tone, everything is so calm. Jenn isn’t scared and the tone of it all makes it almost not possible for us to be scared. Holy shit, I wish I could draw. I want to see a dragon breathing out trees, that’s such an immense image.

All of the trees offer something. Forest of Ideals is a beautiful name. Wow, this is… captivating. I want to know who is talking. This has suddenly become first person and that was not expected at all.

The Walker. What does that mean? Does that mean God?

The shining man’s a girl? guy? Genderless? Genderfluid?

Jenn is so confused and so am I haha. I feel like this ‘Walker’ dude isn’t explaining himself very well. Poor  Jenn is so confused by everything. “I appeared to you as you”. Huh. That makes sense, back when Jenn got her hand back and let go of everything and she saw herself t was the Walker.

Jenn just worked out that the Walker is God too, meaning I was right. YES WALKER WHY ARE YOU SO OBTUSE. Good question, Jennifer. Rules = systems. Does that mean a system can be solved and therefore solve the world?

The dimensions are collapsing in. The entire universe will explode. Don’t make that sound like such a nothing thing oh my gosh. God can’t answer questions about others. I love the explanation of it being because you don’t get to read someone else’s story.

“Jenn  I am Leviathan” and in case that revelation wasn’t shocking enough, the dramatic af music is there to give you a heart attack. God is Leviathan? I thought God created Leviathan?!

Fuck. Jenn question the Walker about how he could allow him to be like it is. Hella relatable. The story with the ducks is sad, the poor ducklings falling.

I meet someone and I think he’s good, I think he’s a good guy, I think he’s kind, I like his smile but… but he ends up being a wolf in disguise. He drugs me or he rapes me or he hurts me or he leaves me and I know, I’m not the only one… I- I- I’m- In fact, I’m the last one, the last generation. It just… keeps happening. It’s been happening forever. Bad things. Nature itself claws at everything. Life is built on destruction; destroy your neighbour, tear her down and you might just have a change. Survival of the fittest is real and it’s cruel, that’s what you created. An- And worse, you just let it go and go and go and go. Wouldn’t a good person, someone with half a soul, look at the situation, look at the earth and say to himself ‘I better put a band-aid on this thing’. Wouldn’t I do something? O- Of course I would. Even- Even when I’ve tried to do good….When  I try to be a good person in this life, I still hurt people just because you made this word so messed up that even when you’re good, you’re bad. Even when you try to be a saint you’re a devil. I went to the Glass House to save Atticus, I go through that hell to make sure he lives, I was doing it to save, Ii was doing it for good. I was there to be good that came out of all this bad. Sacrifice, self-sacrifice. That’s what I was doing and what happens? Some poor girl dies in my place. She’s dead because she happened to look like me, she happened to be my height. No good God could make all this and just let it sit in hell for all this time. Piper… Piper, he’s messed up probably more so than the rest of us but you know what I saw? I saw him do the same thing I did. When push came to shove, he saved Atticus, he pulled on him, he dragged him out of the cold, he’s just like me, I think we’re all just like me. All of us, sick broken, shambled people all because you decided to make this world spin with your weird rules and thermodynamics and gravitons and flees and ticks and snakes and wolves and diseases and blindness and cholera and a billion over horrible things and I can’t even fathom, things I’ll never get to know, and I don’t wanna know, don’t you dare show me any more sorrow, Mister, don’t you dare have the gall to stand here walking in this plastic paradise, up some mystical ladder and try to tell me it’s all for a good reason. And every bad thing is counter measured by some good deed, don’t you spit in my face with your Holier than Thou. Lies. Don’t you lie to me, God. You may be great, you may have more powers than the rest of us, you may be the great God Pan but what have you done with it? If- If I had what you had… If I was what you are. If Piper had what you had he’d undo the Shining Man as soon as he saw what the Shining Man was up to. I get it, you made a mistake, you didn’t get the formula right. I’m sure creation is trickier than it seems but why not just wipe off your mistake and try again? Why not say ‘hey I messed up, sorry everybody, let’s try again’. Clearly you can make magical fruit that heals everything so why not do that? Why not do that? WHY NOT DO THAT? If you had any mercy, any sorrow, any grace, any humanity in you. An-and-and you heard Father Thomas, a man who’s had to hold dead babies in his hands, a man who somehow still worships you, who still prays to you and you heard his screams while they were torturing him, ripping his fingernails out, for what, for what, for NO REASON but meanness, for some sadist revenge crusade against me because my mentor Babbit tried to unlock your mystical fruit and call down your ladder by killing… by killing the boy that I tried to save from some weird ghost slave of the shining man. How could you let a world continue that allows for someone like Father Thomas to be hurt so bad… HUH?! What do you have to say for yourself? What do you have to say for yourself?

Pausing in the podcast for a personal story. I was brought up as a Christian and this was something that I was very passionate about and was very important to me. My Christianity grew as I got older, from something I was brought up with to something that I was a devout believer of. I got into arguments with people both at College and University because of their comments towards my faith. I spent as much time in my University chaplaincy centre as I did at lectures. My university boyfriend was brought to faith through me. I was a strong Christian.

Was being the operative word.

Do I know exactly what happened? I want to say 2016 happened. Everyone comments on 2016 being a hell year and talks about all the celebrities that died and the political situation going to shit. Well, for me, 2016 was all of that and the death of my Grandad and then eight weeks later my Nan. It was my family of four becoming a family of two. It was my Mum’s entire world shattering irreplacebly. It was the political hell of not feeling safe because of Brexit and Trump happening at the same time as the personal hell of arranging two funerals in as many months.

And I lost my faith. I still thoroughly believe that there is a God or at least there is something. I’ve spent too long believing to become an Atheist. But I’ve reached a point where I can’t believe in – or rather I can’t worship – a God that allows this world the way it is. I admire Christians, I admire people of all faiths, people who can keep their faith and continue to believe and worship in this world. But for me I lost it. Jenn’s speech here, Jenn screaming at the Walker, at God, everything she said is so relatable to me. I don’t think I’m as angry as her,  I think I’m mostly just tired but I understand, everything she says, every part of it. And that hit me so hard. So freaking hard.

Anyway, interlude over, back to the podcast.

Sure, Walker, you take away the one worst thing of Jenn’s that’ll make everything SOO much better.

Shit. Dante is so fucking clever. Everything links up together, so much. God someone needs to give this sort of skill to the people in charge of Doctor Who.

Oh god. I’m going to cry again. ahah I am not okay. I am not even close to okay. Don’t tell her to calm down. Don’t you fucking dare tell her to calm down. Don’t. You. Dare. I don’t like him, he’s hurting Jenn. Not physically but he’s hurting her mentally with all the confusion.

A trial? Wow. This is so much calmer than everything leading up to it. The music is calm, quiet, Jenn is calm and quiet and more than that, she is speaking clearly, concisely. She is so together even though like 5 minutes ago she was a screaming wreck. Oh Jenn, baby.

St George? Unexpected twist.

You don’t get to take whoever you want and say this person stands for all of us. No. Stand up for yourself. No one can do that but you.



2 thoughts on “Episode 99: Here || Solve the World

  1. Hey Josie, I’ll comment here, I guess.
    Thanks for listening to the show, and letting it mess with you. Furthermore, thanks for sharing the interlude and approaching Solve the World in context of your own life/faith/solvingyourownpersonalworldness.

    As I’m entering middle-age now (30 now), I’m beginning to become a big believer in PTSD. Not just on a singular, soldier-coming-home-from-war way, but in big, generational swoops. For instance, I think mainland Europe is still suffering aftershocks of WWII. Life moves so fast. Especially now with the internet and connectability to the legion stories out there. But the heart heals slowly, and the mind makes sense of things perhaps slower still. Don’t try to move to quickly, let all the joints of your soul have time to heal.

    I pray you find peace in your faith — and, (forgive me if I go to far) find the embrace of the God we’ve both worshiped once again.

    I also hope (and, let’s be honest, pray) that Solve the World’s denouement lives up to the hype!

    Peace be the Journey,
    Dante Stack


    1. Hi Dante. Thanks for answering. This episode was one hell of a rollercoaster but so so good, if ep 100 is even close to this one it will be wonderful and I have no doubt it will be. You have a way of bringing together the strings to a logical and shocking end so I knoe ep 100 will be find.

      I haven’t given up. I don’t think. I don’t know. I’m in a weird place where I don’t not believe but I don’t love it like used to. I hope I’ll be able to find my way back soon enough but for now I’m not so sure.

      Is 30 really middle aged? I refuse to believe that. im almost 25, no way im 5 years off middle age, surely like 40/45 is middle aged nowadays. 30. god. nope.


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